Out On The Town
by Schyzotypal X
Summary: Hazing!Verse 9: Contains: Tony Stark snark, nicknames, seedy nightclubs, vapid women and Loki handling the ladies like a baus.


**Out On The Town**

"Come on boys! This is way too boring and I am far too rich and famous to be bored."

Loki glances at the expectant form of Tony Stark. He is standing akimbo, dressed in a pinstriped button down and dark washed jeans. "We're going out." He announces smartly.

"Aren't you a little too married with a pregnant wife to do that?" Bruce asks, looking up from his National Geographic.

Tony smiles. "Ah, but you see, for the first time in my life, I'm not gonna be the one hitting up every lady in the room. Tonight, I'm gonna content myself with the monogomous sidelines while you boys," He points at Bruce, Loki and Thor, grinning manicaly, "are going to take the night by storm."

Thor frowns. "I do not believe that Jane Foster would appreciate the creation of any storm tonight, the clouds would obstruct her view of the stars."

Tony sighs. "Okay, first of all Hammer Time, we've talked about this. Just call her Jane, no last names, just Jane. Second of all, not that type of storm. JARVIS! Add slang and sayings to Henry V's homework, Iago too."

"Already done sir but I'm afraid Master Loki has already looked over the files on American colloquialisms."

"Good job Pan's Labyrinth, cookie points to you."

Thor grunts in protest and Tony gives him a stern look. "Saruman did his homework early, you Aragorn, have not."

The door hisses as it slides open to reveal Steve, who immediately raises an eyebrow at Tony's attire. "Look at you dressed to the nines. Have a date or something with Pepper?"

"Noooo." Tony trills. "But you guys all have a date..." He pauses, pointing out the window towards the glowing sprawl of New York, "with the rest of the world."

Each of them frowns at this and Tony sighs.

"You Stars n' Stripes," He jabs a finger at Steve. "Have been a capsicle for seventy years and a shut in since then. You two," He turns his attention to Thor and Loki, "are freaking aliens who still can't grasp that you're allowed to use contractions." Thor makes a noise in protest. "And you," Stark rounds on Banner, "have been living in god knows where trying your best to turn into Mother Teresa, her tragically nonexistent sex-life included."  
He crosses his arms over his chest, and surveys the men before him in much the same way a general would survey an army. "Now we have come across something much treasured. The wife's away and nobody is trying to use a ray gun to freeze the lower half of Manhattan. We have _time off_ and you boys are going to go get dressed and learn about the finer things of the twenty first century, mainly the women. Is that clear?"

Loki sighs, it's not like he has anything better to do tonight and he can already see the spark of eager curiosity in Thor's eyes. "I have meant to better acquaint myself with nuances of your realms fairer sex. Jane Foster still remains a mystery to me in many ways."

"Trust me Goldilocks, there is no better way to find out about women than studying them in their natural habitat."

"Seedy nightclubs?"

"Can it We The People, you haven't been to a nightclub in over 70 years. You don't even know what seedy looks like anymore."

Steve sighs and rubs the back of his head. "I suppose I could stand to get out a bit more."

Spirits considered brighter now that three out of four have easily surrendered to his cajoling, Tony turns to Bruce.

The man shakes his head. "No man. Trust me, there are very few women in the world who'd be willing to enter a bipolar menage a trois with a radioactive green monster, and most of that number aren't exactly the type of girl I'd like to date."

Tony shrugs. "One, who said anything about date? Two, if there is a girl who can take the full Banner/Hulk package she probably lives in New York."

"That's true but..."

"No buts Lean Green Fighting Machine! Not unless they are the type that I like and cannot lie. You are coming along with us."

Bruce sighs. "Fine."

Tony claps excitedly. "SWEET! Alright guys, go get dressed and meet back here in fifteen. Thunder Thighs, no armor and definitely no animal skins. Purple Mountains Majesty, if you come dressed up like you're going out in the 40's I will call you Abraham Lincoln for the rest of the night."

Being the most skilled sorcerer in all of Asgard, Loki doesn't really need fifteen minutes to change, and being the newest and most evil addition to the team, he doesn't have a room to change in. Instead he sits on the couch, shifts his clothes into something he supposes is more suitable for whatever Tony has in store, and listens to Tony and Steve argue about Steve's hair.

"I'm telling you Independence Day, you're gonna have to do something about the coif, you look like a dweeb man. Even the insult is outdated!"

"No Tony. I like my hair the way it is. Besides, if a girl can't get over a little old-fashioned hair then why would I want to date her."

"What are you a Disney princess?" Tony sneers.

"What sort of hairstyle would you perfer him to have sir?" JARVIS asks, his voice clipped. "A fauxhawk perhaps?"

Tony gives pause to this before huffing. "Fine Apple Pie! Keep your amber waves of grain."

"I intend to, and would you quite with the nicknames?"

"Never Johnny Appleseed. Where's everybody else?"

On queue both Bruce and Thor re-emerge from their respective suites. Tony appraises them quickly, his nose wrinkling in distaste. "Green Giant you look like the 40 year old virgin, Braveheart you do realize we're going to a club and not a goat farm?"

"These are the nicest things I own. You don't exactly buy a lot of expensive suits when there's a good chance you'll probably just rip right through them later."

"I enjoy these clothes bequeathed to me by Jane Foster, it offends me that you find them distasteful."

Tony sighs. "Fine, fine whatever. Let's just go."

"Would not Clint Barton enjoy accompanying us on this all male excursion?"

"I'd ask Robin Hood but I think he's too busy having sex with Pussy Galore to go clubbing right now."

"They're together?"

Tony glares at Steve. "Seriously Sea to Shining Sea, how could you possibly not know?"

Steve shrugs. "I just thought they were friends."

"Yeah, that's why she always made those insinuations about stringing his bow real hard."

"Too much information Tony."

"See Baseball, that was almost modern day vernacular you used there."

"Who is this Robin Hood you speak of? And this Pussy Galore? I thought we were speaking of our loyal comrade Clint Barton."

Loki sighs. It's going to be a long night.

* * *

"So why's he talk all funny like that."

"Uh...he's from the Netherlands." Tony replies finally, smiling at the woman clinging to his arm.

She brightens immediately. "Oh! I loooove Peter Pan!"

"What a coincidence! See Highlander, she's right up your alley." Tony none to gently transfers the fungus of a woman from his arm to Thor's, moving back a safe distance to make sure she did not jump hosts again.

Thor struggles to smile down at her, even he feels annoyance at her vapidity.

Loki sighs and nurses his drink, trying to look as sullen as possible under the technicolor strobe lights. In all honesty it's quite hard. Watching Thor, Steve, Tony and Bruce try to fend off hordes of driveling women is and probably always will be hilarious. It's only years of practice in Asgardian mead halls that keep Loki from losing his composure and looking even the least bit approachable.

"I'm actually not all that used to stuff like this. I'm a bit of an old fashioned sort of guy I guess." Steve fumbles with the woman who is currently trying to crawl her way up his lap. "You seem really comfortable though."

"You're sexy." She says breathily, completely ignoring him. "I like your body." She runs a hand down his chest.

Steve swallows. "And I like your...dress." He shoots a look at Loki over the top of her head and Loki shrugs, turning back to his drink in resisting the urge to smirk. A few seats away, Bruce is struggling to dislodge himself from between the two women who have trapped him at the bar.

"You're like a scientist right?" One asks, dipping down to let her already low cut shirt show an obscene amount of cleavage.

"We love science." The other purrs, practically adhering herself to his side. "How about you let us take you home, and you can talk science to us for a really long time."

"The both of us." The other adds.

"Together."

"Ummm...yeah...I got that but I don't think you guys'll be particularly interested in thermonuclear physics or gamma radiation so...uhm..."

"Enjoying yourself?"

"Oh splendidly."

It takes a moment for Loki to realize he's being a spoken to and another for him to realize that he'd answered. "Uh...well..."

"Don't worry babe, I won't tell your friends you've been laughing at them behind their backs." She winks. "As long as you don't tell them I've been doing the same."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"That's encouraging." She smiles disarmingly.

"No darling, what's encouraging is the fact that you actually seem to have all of your mental faculties about you. Unlike some of the," He looks over at the bumbling idiots that surround Bruce, Steve, and Thor, "other patronesses of this establishment."

"Oh, a smooth talker, I like that."

"They do call me Silvertongue for a reason."

She laughs. "You're a funny guy Silvetongue." She slides a drink towards him. "This one's on me, see you around."

The woman leaves with an easy grace and Loki stares down at the drink. Underneath it is a napkin, folded into a little triangle, and on the far corner of that triangle, is the neat scribble of a phone number.

"Well isn't that nice."

* * *

"Well that was a major bust! I'm very disappointed in all of you! Especially you Liberty Bell, I thought you would have at least gotten a few numbers."

"Yeah," Steve agrees, rather put out. "I thought I would too."

"What is this contraption that you Midgardians call a Twitter? Why have I been invited to follow?"

Tony pauses, staring at Thor. "You know what, we'll save that for another boys night out alright?"

Thor nods, silenced for the moment and Tony rounds on Bruce. "Anger Issues, please tell me that you're teddy bear with a dark past charms worked on someone!"

Bruce shakes his head. "I tried Tony, but as soon as I started talking about tachyons they all headed for the hills."

Tony's eyes narrow. "You meant for this to happen didn't you."

"No...honest..."

Unconvinced he turns on them all, his face the picture of bearded dissapointment and frustration.

_He could give Thor a run for his money_. Loki muses idly.

"I can't believe that none of you managed to get even a single number! You are the lamest group of superheroes that has ever walked the streets of Manhattan!"

Loki sighs, pulling the now crumpled remains of the napkin out of his coat pocket. "I suppose this is why I'm what you mortals would call an anti-hero."

Tony is cut short mid-rant as he scrutinizes the now slightly smudged digits. "Is that?"

"Yes."

"Got anymore?"

"No, just the one, sorry to disappoint."

"Not disappointing, just not overwhelming."

"Oh, well good then."

Tony grins and wraps an arm around Loki's shoulders. "Well you guys, it looks as if Chris Angel here is our lucky winner!"

"Who-"

"Magician, doesn't matter. Anyway, now that he has gotten the number of a woman and earned his first Tony Stark merit badge as it were, he is promoted from nameless butt monkey-"

"Hey!"

"Quiet National Treasure, anyway, now that Voldemort here has finally taken the first glorious step towards getting laid, he may now be referred to by his new title: Lieutenant Loki."

Loki frowns. "Just Loki if it's all the same to you."

"Ah! But it's not all the same to me. Lieutenant just sounds so much more official."

Loki opens his mouth to respond but Tony cuts him off.

"Or would you rather I just continue with the nicknames, Rudolph the Blue Nosed Loki?"

"On second thought, Lieutenant Loki sounds like a wonderful name."

"Excellent!" Tony exclaims, smiling.

* * *

So I just read an excellent de-aged fic for this fandom and I WANT MOAR! Toying with the idea of doing my own, because what's cuter than widdle Avengers?

That's right! Nothing!

-Schyzotypal X


End file.
